Welcome to this sliver of my world on the web.

I should introduce myself. I’m David, and for now that’s all I’m going to say. No places, no specifics, at least not for now: I’m too much in the closet in real life for all of that. But I’ve recently – within the past several weeks – made the tentative switch over to a “Side A” gay Christian, after years and years of being “Side X”. What does that mean, you ask? Well, there are Christians, like me, who happen to be same-sex attracted. There are three sides to dealing this:

1) Side A: You can be gay and Christian. God blesses committed, monogamous same-sex relationships

2) Side B: You can be gay and Christian. But it is God’s desire for you to remain celibate

3) Side X: You cannot self-identify as gay and be Christian. You must change and be transformed by God to being straight

Armed with terminology which will come in useful in future posts, I will now give you a history of what has brought me to where I am today, setting up this semi-anonymous blog.

I grew up in the setting of an evangelical church. I hesitate to say I “grew up Christian” because I’m not entirely sure what that’s supposed to mean. I can’t tell you the date I came to understand the gospel. But I do know that as time went on I gradually came to understand that I had to rely on God’s grace through Jesus Christ, who lived, died, and resurrected to reconcile me to himself, rather than on my own goodness. That part about my own goodness not being sufficient was shocking, and it still causes difficulties: grace not works; mercy not legalism. But at the heart of all this is Christ. He is beautiful beyond all words: I look at the cross – at “the Passion” – and I see the most compelling expression of love in the most perfect person the world has ever seen. What response is there but worship?

I knew I was attracted to other guys in middle school, and it freaked me out. I spent most of those pubescent and post-pubescent years in the belief that my homosexuality was the struggle I had to face. It was the sin in my life I had to rid myself of so that I could serve God. And no one could ever know, because I was scared of being rejected and losing any fellowship, not realizing that hiding myself away was already destroying much opportunity for fellowship. Most of the church teaches that homosexuality is a sin, and I believed this, without looking into it. And I knew throughout that I loved and wanted to serve God, and spent so many tearful nights in prayer begging him to change me. There are acts I’m not proud of in my past, but I never hooked up with anyone (I’ve never even kissed a guy!) – but I always reasoned that if the act was a sin, so too the desire must be sinful. I tried all sorts of explanations for it, ranging from it being a phase to being a result of non-existent ‘idolatry’ on my behalf to adopting the rather damaging ex-gay pseudo-psychology, but I was still too closeted to attend a meeting. I tried to change, I really did. And I believed that God would change me, because he’s sovereign, and he loves me.

But one can only spend so long in such a place. I developed a profound sense of self-loathing, and barred myself from leadership positions: after all, how could a sinner as great as myself minister to others? This was a damaging and selfish place for me to be, and only led to depression, deep cynicism, and sin.

Fast forward to a few months ago, when my worldview crashed down around me. I attempted to date a girl over the summer – a rather nice-looking one, as far as girls go. She also was and is incredibly godly. We were getting to know each other and I enjoyed the friendship we shared. I also had been doing extremely well with my struggle against lust, and assumed that this must mean that I was “cured.” So telling her that I had “struggled with homosexuality” – but hiding that I might possibly still be gay – I asked her out. A godly girl, what more could I ask for?

It failed. She was clearly interested in me, but I couldn’t bring myself to be any more than a friend to her. I was hoping an attraction would develop, but none did. And God kept convicting me that if I wasn’t really attracted to her, I was depriving her of a fuller relationship she could have. I want her to have a man who can drink in her form with his eyes and have something in his breast say, “I am fulfilled.” I can never give her that.

My worldview died. I had no way to handle that, and had to come back to the realization that I was in fact gay. It’s not about lust, or rebellion, or a lifestyle. And so I decided to look into the actual biblical perspective on my sexuality, and read about both sides. That was about three months ago. After a lot of intensive study and prayer, I have to say that I lean fairly substantially toward saying that it would not be a sin for me to enter into a lifelong monogamous relationship with another man – provided that it is Christ-centered (Side A). But I have only been there for five or so weeks. I’m still working all this out, and trying to normalize what I considered for most of my life to be my principal struggle. And I suppose it’s still possible that I may go ’round full circle and decide that God calls all gay Christians to celibacy (Side B). It has not been long, after all, since I’ve held the Side X view. But in all things I have to exalt my savior, Jesus Christ. Though I may come across other apparent dichotomies, and I almost certainly will, this blog is a place for me as I’m working out resolving these two realities: the reality of a God whom I love, and the reality of my attractions.