I have been corresponding with a friend regarding the issue of the sinfulness of homosexuality. This is a friend who ministered to me greatly and whom I greatly respect: I see so much of Christ in him. My friend disagrees with me, and he believes that all homosexual sexuality is sinful.

Twice now he has impugned my motives. Do I really believe that God permits monogamous homosexual unions? Or am I just trying to justify my sin? Such thoughts have plagued me; it is why I was so hesitant to accept any of the arguments for it. Can I really disagree with so many godly Christians? With so much tradition? It is why I have approached the matter with so much trepidation and so much prayer.

I read his last e-mail to me – a short response, to be followed by a longer one – and it struck to the heart of my fear. I do not want to disobey God for my own dishonesty. Are you really seeking God, David? I have looked at this as detached intellectually as I can, and with as much fervent seeking of God as I can. But now I am unsure. And so I go to him, in fear and as much humility as I can: I want his truth.

“God, if I am wrong, please convict me, but if I am right, give me peace.”

And my heart’s fears and disturbances are stilled beyond all understanding. But I am not convinced.

“God, if I am wrong, please show me, but if I am right, give me peace.”

I open my eyes and there are two blankets smothering me: God’s grace and God’s sovereignty.

“God, if I am wrong, change me, but if not, affirm me!”

No response. Only the same peace.

I am not one who typically puts much in any “spiritual experience.” But I have no way to explain that peace. Perhaps it truly is my God, speaking to me. I woke up in the night, several times, and immediately began to pray. And each time I received peace and drifted back to sleep. And now I am awake once more and cannot go back to sleep. I cannot shake my convictions off: that God is not displeased with homosexuality. But shall I go against almost the entirety of the church?

Oh God, I am so afraid
I am afraid of being shut out
I am afraid of seeing the walls around the church go up around me
In my arrogant youthful dreaming I never thought of this
I was my own proud commander
And now my spirit fails me
God, will you leave me here?

Shall I in arrogance dismiss your fellow servants?
Shall I in arrogance dismiss you?
I do not want to follow my own way, but lead me in yours
I am dirt and dust and ashes, but you are way and truth and life

Oh God, I am so afraid
Forgive me, for your child loves the praises of men
He drinks them up, like poisoned water
Lead me instead to your living water

But if I am right, then vindicate your servant
Prepare him for the ministry that you have prepared
Do not leave him to the wolves
Do not come to him and leave him unchanged

Oh God, I am so afraid
I am afraid of breaking men’s traditions
And I am afraid of breaking your heart
And most of all I am afraid of never hearing you
And ignoring you when you speak

“How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast the sum of them!

Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of the sand.

When I awake,
I am still with you.”

Hallelujah, for God is near even to me.
His mercies are unmeasurable,
His love undending.