A recent topic on GCN caught my eye: it was a man questioning whether he’s turned his sexuality into an idol, having fixated on it too much. And this is something I can certainly relate to, that struck to my heart, and that I need to deal with.

On the one hand, I can totally understand the fixation. When the outside world finds out, there is a heavy tendency to focus exclusively on that element. As I wrote about in my initial struggle with my sexuality, I had a tendency to fixate on it even when trying to rid myself of it: it was the sin in my life. But coming out to yourself – which involves much more than mere mental recognition and struggle, but actual acknowledgement of facts rather than wishes – is a process that tends to focus on itself. Not that this is wholly wrong – often at the point of coming out there is already developed a whole well of questions over the years that come spewing out all at once – but that it cannot be consuming. And it is tempting to allow it to become consuming, both because of internal turmoil and also because of societal pressures (particularly in the evangelical church, where homosexuality has become a sort of ‘hill to die on’).

But Christ is the principality of my faith, and I cannot turn to the left or to the right and ignore him. I approach God’s throne by his grace through the death and resurrection of my savior: may he keep my mind from fixating on anything else! So in light of that, I’m going to try my best to avoid obsession on any object save Jesus Christ. That means accepting some things on faith, rather than compulsively re-examining minutae. That means dropping legalistic fears of being wrong, while still pursuing what is right. That means putting God’s grace at the center of my life.

Though this blog is largely about my path toward accepting God and my gayness, there are other paths toward reconciliation and resolution that I am on. For example, after finishing Francis Collins’ excellent The Language of God, I’ve realized that I am no longer a fundamentalist. This is a big deal for me. For some time, I’ve been listing away from many fundamentalist beliefs, but only recently have I realized that I’ve abandoned ship altogether. But the whole story I’ll save for another time. Think of it as a preview! (That sounds condemnably conceited, doesn’t it?)

Cheers.