There has been a lot of change going on in my life and in my head. Some of it has been chronicled here, but to be honest I haven’t had much time to update the blog and haven’t much felt like it when I have.

I am not a psychologist, but it seems to me that I am undergoing a process perhaps best termed as identity integration. What I mean by this is the following: “I’m okay being gay. So what now?” My life is comprised of many parts, and there is this additional part – being gay – that now has to become part of the whole. It cannot be misshapen or disproportionate, yet it is there and it affects – to some degree – the tenor and path of my life.

It was difficult to even get to the point of acknowledging I needed to come to a conclusion on my same-sex attractions. I spent a great deal of time looking at information on the issue, studying Scripture and praying, and came to a point where I can now be fine with how I am, and with the potential of a future husband. Yet my struggle (to be straight) used to be a big deal to me, and my own assessments of how “gay” I was were indications of my spiritual well-being. That’s all been thrown out the window now. My reconciliation, while answering many, has brought up these rather important questions:

• How now do I judge the closeness of my relationship with God?
• Who do I out myself to, and in what situations am I obliged to remain quiet?
• How do I participate in church community with those who disagree?
• What emphasis do I place on connections with other gay people?
• What does the process of finding a godly mate look like?

The first one I think I may have the beginnings of an answer to. Consider Paul:

I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.

Hmm, so if St. Paul’s clean conscience didn’t justify him, does mine justify me? Not at all! Then perhaps I shouldn’t be so quick to judge – not even myself – but wait for God, while pursuing him in the best way I know, however faltering that might be. In the end, I can only trust in the grace of Christ: my spiritual state does not need my mark of passing or failing. Nevertheless, I would like to know how I ought to be improving before God. This is where I am still unsure: I suppose he will guide me and show me as he needs to, and as I continue to wonder about this.

The question of with who and in what circumstances to be “out” is much more difficult. I know I want to tell my parents because not doing so would only lead to problems. Honesty is one of my most favorite virtues – which is to say, one I am very attracted to and try to engender in myself. Not only do I feel uncomfortable being dishonest with my parents, but what if I were to marry one day: what would happen if they called the house and some strange man answered the phone? Whoops! If there’s going to be distance between us, I think they have a right to know why. But how long do I wait? I have, though, both to my surprise and hers, come out to my sister. She’s not real comfortable with it, but she’s very loving, which is all I ask. She’s been excellent as she’s been dealing with it the past couple weeks.

What about things like being out with my Bible study? This one I’ve been struggling over quite a bit. The whole faith community issue has been looming large, as where I feel condemned is not in my heart but, most often, in community with other Christians as they, occasionally, bring up the subject or make a remark. I feel as a puzzle piece out of place, but that is not unusual these days. What to do? I definitely – way definitely – get gaydar vibes from some of the guys in my on-campus group. But I don’t know where they’re at in dealing with it, and I get the impression from the leadership that it would not be well-received. They may help me to change, but I wonder if they would really still show love. The feeling of having to be dishonest is disconcerting. If I want to walk with them in the truth of Christ, why is it necessary to hide other truths?

This dilemma expands out into other questions such as whether, should I find community is no longer possible where I’m at, I should get plugged in at my current church, which I love but is almost certainly Side B, or seek sanctuary elsewhere. I went to an accepting Presbyterian church last Sunday, and found many things I liked – no heresies, good Scriptural teaching, etc. It’s a well-balanced church, and I’m fairly sure they’d never give a “gay sermon” but at least they’d be accepting of me, without expecting change, but just Christ-centeredness. I would have to have discussions with the leadership about several things – and more questions I have that I am not listing here – but I’m fairly sure it would be an alright church for me to attend and, more importantly, be involved in and serve alongside.

As to the other two questions – what I do about connections with other gay folk and what the process of looking for a husband looks like – I have even less figured out, and will leave them unaddressed.

Change, change, change.

I have called this blog Resolving Realities, as I am trying to take pieces of what is real and combine them into a whole. When I think of what I am attempting to do, I think of rotating lenses, like what the eye doctor uses. There are all these pieces of glass which revolve before my eyes in an attempt for me see the real world more clearly. Only the process I am in is more abstract and more difficult. These lenses, once aligned, reveal something beautiful; or so I am told, or so I have convinced myself. But they must be resolved in the right way, or else they will bend and refract the light filtered through to me in the wrong ways, and I will have a distorted view of the world around me. My faith, and my worldview as a whole, I fear, was based on nice metaphors I heard at church and what was passed down to me. I am in desperate need of wresting this worldview – this conglomeration of lenses – away from such teachings and bringing it back to Christ. There was the issue of coming to terms with my orientation, immediately followed by two other serious challenges: beginning reading through the entire Old Testament for the first time, and my first exposure to textual criticism. Both of these contain matters I never heard about in church, and I am finding many of the traditional ‘resolutions’ woefully inadequate – mere arm-waving. It’s a bit unfair to have it all at once. My doctrinal framework is beginning to tear down, and slowly something needs to be put around it. But – and this is key – at the center of it is Christ. If nothing else, I am sure of him: his diety, his grace, his love, his cross (which expresses all of these things), and his resurrection, all proclaiming the salvation of humanity to his side, the side of God, for those who love him. Perhaps I’ll write about this doctrinal flux when I next come to blog, and I still need to explain where my sexual ethics are coming from (and for this one I actually have a draft typed up).

In the meantime, I have the abyss of schoolwork, the mess and the fun that is figuring out interpersonal relationships, and an exciting internship to look forward to for the summer. Life does seem to be chugging along.