Rethinking Grace Sunday, June 17, 2007 at 11:37 pm
I have been struggling with rethinking the grace of God given to us in Christ. And this has led me, among other things, to placing a temporary moratorium – perhaps for a couple of months or so – on my blog. It is because this place – like so many places in my life – becomes the grounds for me to prove my worthiness to God. I embroil myself in a theological battle (with myself) in order to prove my spiritual worth to God. Or I use my work and productivity as a measure of my value. Or my relationships and my own vain measure of “impact” too becomes a way to work toward acceptance. And so this blog along with many things in my life can become a preoccupation – what do I post, and how may I use it prove myself? – which leads down that sorrowful path of rejecting God’s grace through the cross of Christ.
I recently finished Paul Tillich’s The Courage to Be, which I found one of the deepest books I have read in a good long while (the toughest read since The Religious Affections). Tillich was challenging in the sense that he brought me home to that philosophy which has always resonated most strongly with me – existentialism – and placed God so squarely in the center of it. He defines God ontologically – not as a moral abstract or even a personal abstract (though he is personal and though he is the source of morality), but as the source of Being. Apart from him there is nothing, and everything stems from him; the struggle of mankind is the struggle against non-being, which is separation from the source of being (which is God himself), which is itself sin, and what makes sin what it is. I need to re-read the book with a notepad and some more time, and even then I do not think I can explain it with the elegance or clarity of Tillich, but it has been one of a few things which has led to a rediscovery of grace. I don’t believe that any system of philosophy or understanding may be constructed which will not find God (and more specifically, the risen Christ) at the center of it, and by taking these differing perspectives we may be able to reach a fuller and more nuanced understanding of the person of the God we worship.
Tillich calls grace, on our end, the “courage to accept acceptance.” There are many human responses to the anxiety of non-being – the anxiety of death, or of meaninglessness, or of guilt – but it is only the courage to accept acceptance, the courage of grace, which transcends ourselves and places us into that stream of being which begins and ends with God. How vastly different from my own anxieties and proofs of self-worth! But there is no being in myself, and so no worth, but only that which comes unasked-for and uncontrollably (and unalterably) from God, and how frightening dependence on grace can be to my timid heart. I have come again to look at the doctrine of grace, and am blown away at how little I understand it and how little I live it. I heard this all my life in church: where this newness?
While I attempt to take some time to focus on being in God’s grace, and without justification from myself, I will stay away from blogging. I am going to try to study and practice meditation on God’s character, on his word, and the pursuit of the disciplines of simplicity and service. To keep a journal – something private, where I work out with God what it is this life should look like as it is transformed and reconciled more deeply to himself. To take seriously the call to “abide in his love”, and in so doing become changed into a more accurate picture of Christ. There are real practices and disciplines to preparing our hearts to receive the instruction and grace of the Holy Spirit, and it is instructive to consider and learn from how those who went before us in the faith have approached and practiced the presence of God (one thing I will be looking at). His presence dwells, intoxicatingly, everywhere, filling all the earth and still overflowing: and so there, with the wisdom he has provided in Scripture and his followers have given us down through the centuries, I will seek to find him. Of course, though I may not be blogging, I will still be keeping up with folks, and if you know me (or want to chat), you are always welcome.
On some lighter notes, I got to spend pretty much all day yesterday with Ron (who I realize now may be reading this; if so, ‘Hi Ron!’), and that was a great experience. In part because of the natural beauty of the area and equally because of the company. There are two links to some of Ron’s articles up in the upper-right corner of the page (The Great Debate and Love that Does not Count the Cost – I’m not posting a last name up here, but he is a fairly public figure). I also have decided to put a couple of pictures of myself here – one at the end of this post, and one in my profile, and I hope neither is too pretentious – and perhaps I won’t chicken out and take them down.
Let me close with some excerpts of Paul’s, or looking at Colossians’ introduction, is it Paul and Timothy? But it is the word of God, given through the Christological experience of particular men in history for our benefit, those who are seeking him, our Savior.
He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.
See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ. For in him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, and you have been filled in him, who is the head of all rule and authority.
Soli Deo Gloria! Peace, grace, and the fullness of Christ be with you all.
In Him,
–David
It brings me great joy to read this, David.
I respect your decision to embrace the classic spiritual disciplines and step away from blogging for a season. I shall continue to pray that our Infinite Lord grants you fresh perspective of the Truth, particularly as you seek to eliminate distractions according to the conviction of His Spirit.
The Course to Be sounds fantastic, especially since the introduction to Colossians and the prologue to the Gospel of John provide a solid framework for understanding of existential philosophy from a Christian perspective.
You know my penchant for the word pretentious, and neither of your photos fit the definition… okay, maybe the bottom one, a little. Your profile photo must have been taken somewhere bright, because you’re squinting (I wonder where?) But, I digress.
May the transcendent peace of Christ guard your heart against all confusion as you journey to know Him more.
Your brother,
James
I see you’re finally “showing your face” around these parts. hehe. Its interesting what you say about this blog trying to prove your worth. I think we do that every day without knowing it. It was worst for me when I was working on a church staff. I’m thankful the Lord has taken that away from me (though theres a few more things I wish He would just take…)
I’ll be reading when you return. I’m all for people taking breaks to think about things. Enjoy your summer up there!
David: I am so glad I know you. You amaze and astound me with your forethought and wisdom.
On the pictures…I’m going to tell you before a gay guy does….WAX your eyebrows! LOL LOL LOL! I hope you can laugh with me at that…knowing you…i’m pretty sure you can.
You know i love you!
pam
p.s. pomo…from what i’ve seen…that goes for you too! hee hee!
Pam,
First of all, I’ve already gotten this whole eyebrow spiel before… from my parents! And they’re already somewhat thinned down from what’s natural (I suppose the benefit is that I’ll be able to look like Gandalf, if I want to, when I’m older).
Second of all, there’s TWO of them, so I don’t really see you people’s problem.
And sheesh, I’m not flaming enough to go around waxing my eyebrows. Why should I want these razor-thin femme things anyways?
Alright, now I’ll sit back and take the flak.
David,
I hope and wish for the very best for you. I hope you’ll be able to grow closer to God and to have the relationship with Him you’re after.
I can understand your wanting a break from blogging. That’s sort of the way I’ve felt with my church lately. I’ll admit that I haven’t went the last few weeks basically for the same reasons you mentioned about your blog, and some other reasons, but I’ve just needed a break from all those people who expect so much of me, and who make me expect so much of me–I was beginning to feel pretty weighted down. I have begun feeling closer to God because of this, so I hope doing a similar thing helps you as well. Sometimes we all just need a little break.
I hope you won’t stay away for too long though. I really have enjoyed your writings. Which, by the way, I don’t ever mean to sound argumentative or harsh in any of my comments. I hope you know that. I’m just searching for answers as well. Sometimes in my own frustrations, I’m sure I don’t come across all that friendly, but it’s not that that’s how I’m meaning to be. I want you to know that I’ve never meant to offend you any, or to sound pushy or anything. I feel like maybe at times I have been, so I’ll apologize for that right now and on account that you won’t be writing for awhile.
By the way, I have nothing against thick eyebrows. Mine happen to be about the same /:) . If I can ever build up the nerve to actually include a picture of myself on my blog, I’m sure you’ll see that.
God bless ya, buddy, and take care.
Brandon
Brandon,
Don’t worry too much about coming across as argument. I too have a tendency to get impassioned and so make myself more liable to misinterpretation. Thanks for taking the time to stop and write me, Brandon.
Peace,
–David
David,
I’m a 62 year old gay man who was married for 31 years. I was faithful to my wife, we remain close friends, and we have a wonderful 30 year old daughter. And, I’m clearly older than most of your readers.
I grew up in a highly conservative environment where my Southern Baptist missionary parents were considered very liberal. I struggled with my orientation for many years. Although I didn’t join an ex-gay group, I have several friends who did. In every case, their efforts in this area were unsuccessful if not disastrous.
I found that denying my orientation and trying to live a conventional heterosexual life led to a slow death. Therapy didn’t work, church fellowship didn’t work; prayer didn’t work. And, counter intuitively, it didn’t get easier as I got older; it actually became more difficult. Denying who I am became very corrosive. At least that was my experience.
I appreciate the deep thinking that you’ve done in reaching your current stance. I agree with you, but I’ve come to the same conclusions from a more experiential process.
I’d like to share more of my history with you, but am not interested in dealing with your commenters, however well intentioned they may be. I notice that you don’t include an e-mail address. If you’re interested, let’s get in touch. I’m passionate about letting others know how I came to great peace about my orientation (none of that SSA stuff) and what a gift sexuality can be. And, I enjoy sharing my journey.
I’m excited to read about how your thinking has evolved. My parting suggestion is to be gentle with yourself. Jesus didn’t beat people up and neither should we.
David,
I am praying for you during this break from blogging, that you will be closer to God and wiser in His ways.
I look forward to more of your thoughtful writing in the future.