There it goes Sunday, September 16, 2007 at 6:01 pm
I have been somewhat busy lately and haven’t much gotten around to blogging or for that matter doing much besides catching up with schoolwork. This weekend, as has been the trend for the past month or so, has been shot as far as being useful. This particular one has been due to a sinus infection, what feels like a rather sorry welcoming party from my college town. But it’s interesting how having physical comforts removed so quickly disassembles those mental barriers I have built up around Topics Not To Be Discussed.
And my Topic Majeur Not To Be Discussed is, and has been for the past several years, church, and the community of believers. More worried than I am of being single, more worried than I am of losing a family of blood and genes, more than anything else I am worried of being without a body of Christians.
Some have accurately judged that ‘church’ is not a building but a way of life. What concerns me about this is that, while true, many who I’ve seen take this path abandon the local congregation altogether and define church as any ol’ hang-out. And while the church is not an edifice, not a political machine, and not a repository of doctrine, it is more than the self-same ‘fellowship’ of those in the world with similar interests. And the church is more than social justice, though the gospel encompasses social justice.
Mostly I am concerned that honesty about who I am will bring me a second-class citizenship. (In some cases, it already has.) This is precisely why in the past I have not found my closest friends inside my local church. And in those bodies where I can be honest without such repercussions, I’m afraid I will not find Jesus in their midst: only a handful of empty platitudes and social networks. I crave an orthodox group of believers (that is, holding with tenacity to the fundamentals of the faith, such as the Apostle’s and Nicene Creeds). Yet even that – just orthodoxy – is a difficult thing to find, where it is not chipped away nor added to. And an orthodox congregation is almost – but not quite – a craving for which I would lay down my self, my beliefs, and my convictions. But I can’t be before men other than what I am before God, and I can’t stand before God without my fellow men and women who stand also before him.
Perhaps I have been spoiled by the church I went to over the summer. It was a church that going into I could actually say for the first time, with a deep sigh of contentment, ‘This is what a church ought to be.’ And no, I wasn’t out to them, and yes, most of them would probably fall on the -X or -B side of the spectrum. And I didn’t care. There was more Christlike love flowing out of them than I could ever know what to do with. Each time I was with them felt like a breath of fresh air. I could literally give away all of my possessions to the poor with these kind of people around me, and it was a tantalizing idea (and still is). I had never experienced anything remotely like it before, from growing up in a Christian household until now.
I’m skipping church this evening. Don’t freak – it has everything to do with still being weak and recovering from my illness, and believe me when I say it frustrates me a great deal. But I realize that while I know what I want (need) in a church, I have not the faintest clue where to find it. I don’t know how to go about searching for it. I don’t know if I’ve found it, or close enough of an approximation, in the church I’ve been attending these past several weeks and just before the summer break. And the thought that I will not find what I am looking for unsettles me. I don’t want to be a church leaver, and I don’t want to be a permanent church shopper. There is no perfect church – and I know that I am myself no small part of the problem. Yet if I have no Christ-centeredness and no community in a Christian congregation, that congregation is dead to me. When then do I stay and when do I go? And where is it that I will go?
Good questions. You know my church struggles so I don’t have much to say. I’m still trying to figure this stuff out myself. I will say that with church, much like the rest of life, where we think we belong can sometimes be very different from where we do belong. I’m sort of starting to realize this with my current church. There I was, thinking it was over and that my church just wasn’t the place for me. My heart loved the people and the preaching, but my head was concerned that I needed more. And to be honest, I kind of did, and do. Yet, at some point between the pew and the back door I became a leader in the Young Adult ministry, a member of the Christian Education Committee, and today a parent asked if I would like to take on a leadership role in the Youth Ministry as they could really use me.
Now, I still have questions. I still look at some of the more evangelical churches in the area and become a little nostalgic. Oh how I miss my Christianese
. However, I do sense the love of Christ in that place in a way that I never have in any other. And, while I sense that some of the things I felt were missing truly WERE missing, I also sense a genuine desire on the part of many to change that. My hearts desire, although I never realized it until now, was that God would put me in a church in which he could use me, and I’m beginning to see him do that. The fact that this all happens in a place where people know that I’m gay, accept and love me, and desire for me to use my God given gifts in ministry, only makes it that much sweeter.
I’m praying that God will guide you and grant you answers to some of your questions in time.
David, I can relate to so much of what you have said.
First, I just read your link -X or -B side and I had a very similar experience as you had with that girl a year ago. In my case, the relationship with my girlfriend got to the point that we actually discussed marriage before I brought up the gay issue. When I did, it caused a metaphorical explosion and the relationship was history. In addition, within about a year she married my best friend, a totally straight guy, and I was actually best man at the wedding. I had to rethink everything and I was so messed up I couldn’t even admit to myself I was wounded. After a few years of pondering I finally learned from some of the painful things this girl said to me at the breakup. I decided I was not meant to marry a girl. I was meant to be celibate.
Another thing, I have also been in churches where some people have made me feel like a second class citizen. However, in every case there were OTHER people in those same churches who loved and accepted me, and even looked up to me! I highly recommend finding a church that holds on to the Truth, and finding people within that church who can care for you and you for them. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. Don’t reject an entire church because of a few bad people. Have the attitude that God does. Love His people so much you can’t be away from them. I think these verses express it well:
I love Thy church, O God.
Her walls before Thee stand,
Dear as the apple of Thine eye,
And written on Thy hand.
For her my tears shall fall
For her my prayers ascend,
To her my cares and toils be given
Till toils and cares shall end.
-Timothy Dwight, 1800
These are the questions that all evangelical GLBT boys and girls ask themselves, and I don’t have the answers, but a few thoughts.
1. Though we may think that we are the only Christ-centered GLBT individual seeking faith community in the universe, this is not so. Remember, it wasn’t that long ago, if you are like me, that you believed you were the only Christian gay boy on the planet. The house of faith is quite big.
2. Who’s to say that God’s call to authenticity does not include living out that faith in a setting that the faith home of our youth would consider “non-orthodox”? The church that I attend uses the creeds as its statement of faith; however, there is diversity of thought regarding what those creeds mean. As long as this creedal fundamentalist, post-evangelical’s thoughts and experiences are honored as any others, that’s not a scary thing, but rather exciting. However, I know that I would draw the line if the clergy had a “convoluted” view of the creeds.
3. What we hope for ourselves pales in perspective of God’s dreams for us.
David, thanks for sharing your experiences and thoughts. Peace and joy on the journey!
Thanks for the replies, all.
MR,
I agree with much of what you said… in theory. My difficulty comes with the notion of permanence. And my question about that is, since I am Side A, how genuine of me is it to become involved with a church or Christian community that I know I would have to leave if I ever (dare I say it) marry? It unsettles me to be in a congregation and think, ‘I love you all… but I think this may all be temporary.’ Now, an orthodox faith is the most important thing for me, but I can’t help but wonder if I can only come in and commune because I’m single. Now perhaps this is my own problem, and not the particular church’s in question? I don’t know.
Kevin,
First off, how are you in Seattle and yet we’ve never met? If I get to go back, that may have to remedied.
When I speak about an ‘orthodox’ church I really do simply mean one that holds to the creeds. I don’t know what your church is like, but I see very few gay-affirming churches that hold to that kind of faith. One that is gospel- and Christ-centered, and in the end it is that, and not whether or not someone affirms my own beliefs on a matter peripheral to the gospel, that matters. For example, being a Monarchian, or asserting that Jesus did not save us from our sins (or that his act was not final and conclusive), doubting the resurrection, failing to hold a high view of the Scriptures as our God-given revelation concerning Christ… all these things (and more) would propel me very quickly out of a church. My flirtatious attitude toward Presbyterianism has already put me well outside what is ‘orthodox’ for my family and how I was raised (let us not mention my similarly flirtatious, though more cautious, attitude toward Emergent), and so that matter of others’ perception is already well blasted away.
David,
Your concern is permanence. What is permanent on earth? The temporary nature of things on earth, including the outward appearance of the church, keeps me from idolizing earthly things and pushes me toward God, who is permanent.
Regarding a church, how do you know whether or not it will change and allow you to have a life partner? (Not that I would agree…) Or, is it possible that you might change and become Side B? I would say you should put the Truth first and build friendships with others who love the Truth, despite the risk that you will lose those friends in the future.