Fleeing ‘Gay’, Fleeing ‘Christian’ Sunday, September 30, 2007 at 3:20 pm
I went to a friend’s church this morning, and then afterwards with a few folks to a GLBT film. There were four of us who went – two Bers and two Aers, which was interesting – and I won’t say which movie it was but it concerned a relatively (in)famous gay couple in some circles. And it was awful.
Anyone who was non-affirming and ignorant of homosexuality would have left with their stereotypes completely confirmed. With one possible exception (who did not get much camera time) every ‘gay Christian’ was anything but Christian: no mention of Jesus, only vague spirituality and an assertion that ‘God made me this way’. (On a side note, when I am feeling just as upset as I am now but have more time, I will have to go over all the awful arguments, both A and B, which make me want to disengage myself from the entire conversation.) But their mouths and their lives did not reflect anything of the savior of Christianity – that is, Christ Jesus
I also have been a few times to a gay organization on campus (again, at the request of a friend), and it was equally demoralizing. Are they even quasi-professional students? The second time I went there was a conversation going on that was so inappropriate I was ashamed to even mention it to my friend, who didn’t show that day. All I have seen or heard there is shallowness and campery, and a level of unbecoming behavior which was revolting to me.
The film I saw today was introduced before its screening by a gentleman from Soulforce, and Mel White made an appearance early in the film (with an utterly inappropriate and noxious remark). Truthfully it makes me sick to my stomach to think that anyone might possibly consider me remotely connected with an organization like Soulforce. Ultimately I have found that that label ‘gay’ carries a deserved level of abhorrence from those with some level of morality. I neither consider myself a kin of those who generally wear that label, and nor do I want to be considered as such.
Do not think that the church at large escapes this drive for disassociation. And unlike gay people, who simply exist, along with a great many other people, I have a special love for the church. I cannot explain why I have any love for her – God knows I have plenty of reasons not to – and the only reason I can think of is that to love Jesus is to love his bride. They are not separate – and God has brought them together, at immeasurable cost to himself.
Yet I cannot begin to express my frustration at the lack of Gospel presented in the church. Often there is less than the Gospel – a declawed Jesus who loses his status as the Lion, or a graceless Jesus who loses his status as the Lamb. But equally often there is more than the Gospel – that somehow something supersedes the ministry of Jesus and the redemptive plan, or that the Gospel is insufficient for life. This commonly takes the form of legalism, but it has many manifestations. It may be the Gospel And Our Creation Account; or it may be the Gospel And My Social Justice Plan; or the Gospel And Anything Else. It is not that the Gospel does not flow directly over into our understanding of and interaction with Creation, or social justice, or anything else, but that these are elevated to the level of Gospel, and Jesus becomes our passenger, or almost worse, our copilot. He becomes means to an end.
Behold the Lamb of God, who takes away all the problems in your family! Or answers all your questions! Or keeps you in the comfort you were raised in! Or gives you what you’ve always wanted!
This has weighed very heavily on me, and made me weep – if not outwardly, then certainly inwardly. Why is Christ’s betrothed not talking about him? Why is he not always on our lips and in our lives? Why is it that so much of the church does not care that he isn’t on our lips and in our lives? I don’t mean a commercial invasion of Jesus bracelets – I mean a portrayal of the Gospel as handed down by the apostles, a bringing down of the heavenly order of saintly communion worked out within the community of the church, I mean a life that is the outward expression of the inward anticipation of the consummation of the promises of God in the person of Jesus. I say this not because I am the perfect example by any stretch – but because these things are my desires. It is easier by far for me to find honesty and fellowship with those outside the church than with those inside it. And these have not heard the Gospel from the church, if they have heard it at all. My savior’s bride is not wearing a white wedding dress: she has soiled herself, and to her shame in front of everyone. Why should I want people to know that I’m ‘Christian’?
What I’m saying is that I have become, in my heart, a church leaver. It is not that I do not want to stay and be a part of Christ’s betrothed, and perhaps bring about with those inside who also are disturbed by her actions a change and a direction which more clearly represents our savior. But I feel helpless. I know that first of all I am utterly unqualified to, and I also do not know where it is that I could do this. I do know that the ministry I was involved with on campus would not allow me into a leadership position at this point, and though I tried previously to get together with small groups of people, the desire and the heart was not there, and to get anything going even with explicit leadership approval is hard, and without it virtually impossible. I cannot see any way around the reality that any congregation in which I might desire to help inculcate an orthodox Gospel-centered community I would invariably need to be closeted to. This is difficult for me, because I do not know that I can be different before Jesus’ church than I am before Jesus himself. It is not that everyone has to know, but that the notion of willingly withholding information for some goal or other is to me completely antithetical to the Gospel. Again, there is no longer this clear distinction between ‘God on the one hand’ and ‘God’s people on the other hand’. Perhaps I am too prideful and need to simply accept a more peripheral role residing mostly in the pews. It is after all nothing but grace that saves me. But why should my heart break over the church if I am not to do something with regard to it? I want to shed the term ‘gay’ for its connotations, and I certainly want to shed the word ‘Christian’ for its connotations, but the former describes accurately the state in which I physically find myself (and quite neutrally so), and the latter describes accurately the beliefs to which I hold and the one on whom I trust. But how I wish I could drop the ideas and communities concerning both!
Then again, it may be that I am simply too cynical a person, and need to repent. This much is probably true.
2 Corinthians has been a wonderful book to be going through the past week or so, and I wonder that I’ve never taken much note of it before. But here is Paul, speaking about what he considers his letters to be:
You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everybody. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.
That is my desire for the church: to fill up what is lacking in the ministry of Christ by displaying his very character in the living epistle that is our lives.
You’re not meant to “reside mostly in pews” David. And no comment on the cynicism.
Only kidding of course.
“That is my desire for the church: to fill up what is lacking in the ministry of Christ by displaying his very character in the living epistle that is our lives”.
This is possible. And I see it coming.
-Bryan
David,
You have such a gift for communicating what you are thinking and feeling! I keep re-reading your post to appreciate more of the depth in what you are saying.
The main thing I want to say in response is that the center of Christianity is not something, it is Someone. Consider Jesus Christ more important than sexual orientation when you decide about church. Share in close fellowship with people who are the nearest you can find to “a letter from Christ…written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.” If befriending those people requires sacrifice, it is worth it!
You can never change the church or society into what it should be without #1 God (pray) and #2 committed friends (connect with God’s people).
I think that Christ is more important than our sexual orientation, as I think he’s more important than all aspects of who we are (i.e. where we come from, our race, gender, etc.) However, I also think that Christ calls us to authenticity. I believe he calls us to be men and women who live for him boldly. To set one’s sexual orientation aside, at least for someone who believes that that orientation, the attractions that they bring, and acting on them are not wrong, would be questionable in living out that authenticity. Most would think it makes no sense to ask a heterosexual person to attend an MCC church and put their orientation aside, so I don’t think that we can rightfully expect a gay person to do the same. There’s a difference between putting orientation aside, and not allowing one’s orientation to be the focal point of all they do, say, and live. As a Christian I cannot do the former, regardless of how difficult life may be at times. I am a strong proponent of the latter.
We need to be able to fellowship together in honesty, not by pretending to be something we’re not or believe something we don’t. That fellowship does not require that we all be in agreement on every detail of the faith, not by any stretch. However, it does require much more love, grace, and humility than is often displayed in mainline churches in this country.
Bryan,
I need to be clearer. I am NOT saying we should lie or deceive in order to hide our beliefs. We need to openly discuss these issues with close Christian friends. Yes, I do believe that gay sex is sin.
It is essential that we find friends who are the best examples of Christians we can, whether or not they share all our beliefs. It would be better to be in a church that has Christians like this than to attend a MCC where there is less commitment to scripture and historic creeds. Of course, to stay in most churches where you can find Christians like this means agreeing not to be actively involved in a gay relationship while you are there. That is a sacrifice, but worth it in light of eternity.
I see your point MR, but salvation (through which we’re granted eternity) and church, obviously, are not one in the same. Many outside of the US can attest to the fact that while church is beneficial in walking with Christ, one can walk with Christ, even strongly, without church. Is it difficult? Yes! Could I do it? No way! I go to a very traditional Presbyterian church that does happen to accept me as I am (including if I were to have a partner).
That being said, I think we’re approaching this discussion from two vastly different angles, you seeing a relationship between two people of the same sex as sinful, and me seeing the fact that I’m gay (and the potential for a relationship) as not being a sin, but as being a blessing. Within that framework, my “gayness” being a blessing, it just wouldn’t make much sense, and would in the least prove extremely unsettling, to be in church where my being gay is viewed as a sin and where I would risk being disfellowshipped were I to be in a same-sex relationship. As a “Side A” person (though I hate to define myself in those terms) I believe that God loves and accepts me as I am and that He does not condemn same sex relationships. If He sees me that way, I would be doing my faith and my heart somewhat of a disservice by fellowshipping (mind you, as a member) in an environment where others can’t accept me in spite of our differences in opinion on this issue. Yet, that’s a lot to ask in most mainstream churches when it comes to the topic of homosexuality. We turn a blind eye to lying, to backbiting, to judgmental spirits and attitudes, and to those who even the most discerning Christian could not see the fruit of the spirit in their lives. Yet, we reign hellfire on those who are gay, those who do not choose this path, so much so that they are uncomfortable (even afraid) to walk through our church doors. In my opinion, that is not a Side A or Side B issue, but a church issue, and the result of many years spent missing the point.
All of that aside, I’ve seen your blog in the past and do appreciate your perspective! I’ll bow out now as not to be a comment hog on David’s blog.
-Bryan
MR,
I think you and I are agreeing on a great many more things than we may at first suppose. I agree with you about finding a church that is authentic to the teaching and the Scriptures. In fact, my faith has become much more creedal as time has gone on, and I have continued to seek understanding into correct hermeneutic practices and the understanding of Scripture. I would say I am very comfortable now defining my faith by the Apostle’s and Nicene Creeds.
This is where I have a problem:
“Of course, to stay in most churches where you can find Christians like this means agreeing not to be actively involved in a gay relationship while you are there.”
As I have said, I do not think I can behave differently before God than I can before men. I really do not like the notion of having, dangling above my head, the possibility of entering into a relationship and so being cut off from the church. This temporal and conditional membership within a church causes barriers for the fellowship and communion I have with believers there. It leaves unanswered the question “what if” and resorts to a behavior-based acceptance within the church rather than one of faith or grace or even beliefs. That is something I may need to get used to, but that doesn’t mean I like it one iota.
Why do I take issue with this? Because, by my above outline of what it means to be ‘Christian’, I earnestly believe that it is the Gospel and not something else which should cause a break in fellowship. It is the building of the church upon its outside walls and appearances and curb appeal rather than its foundations. As I have tried to show, I do not require a church to be gay-affirming in leadership nor in congregation nor even in theory. But I do require a church which affirms and identifies itself by the core doctrines of the faith, and can allow for disagreement (even strong disagreement) outside of that which binds us to Christ.
When you say that “there is a sacrifice, but it is worth it in light of eternity” I cannot help but think that this is an attempt to get at a Side B beliefs through church coercion rather than conviction and the Holy Spirit. At the end of the day, despite the blessing of communion and church, I am saved by a savior before whom I have to stand myself redeemed – not member of such-and-such a congregation or so-and-so a fellowship. I answer to him, and not to any man – though I pursue him alongside men. When you say “worth it in light of eternity”, are you somehow referring to the church or something else? I must admit that the former confuses me, and I had to settle on the latter. Yet even as I am willing to affirm and accept the consciences and hearts (and minds and experiences) of my gay brothers and sisters who are convicted of the sinfulness of gay relationships and would not desire to cause them grief or remove them from my fellowshipping, so too I hope to find myself accepted within the grounds of a common unity in Christ.
Bryan posted just as I was typing this, so I suppose he and I both are visiting this when we ought to be working (shame shame shame).
Cheers,
–David
Bryan and David,
Thanks for taking the time to talk through these things with me. I think I get your “Side A” position a little better now.
What I meant by “worth it in light of eternity” was NOT that we receive eternal life by being in the right church. Actually, I was trying to say that the spiritual help we receive through Christians in the church will pull us toward a stronger relationship with God, which is a blessing that lasts forever.
I never want to suggest that you should change your Side A views because of coercion from the church. Only a heart-level change brought about by God’s Spirit can genuinely do that.
I am just saying that it is so important to hang around Christians who really believe and live the Truth, that it is worth great sacrifice.
David, I feel like I could have written much of that myself. Especially the first few paragraphs. I feel like sometimes I have to hold back on my disdain for much of gay culture because of my time in exgay circles. Even on GCN how willingly most people are to throw orthodoxy out of the window. It almost seems as if we have to choose either or.
But I respect you as side A taking such a stance. It is admirable and i wish there were more people like you.
As for the church, I also understand your sympathies. I feel like I have finally found a bit more progressive christ-centered community where I am hoping I will be accepted as I am. A Sinful Saint. I think it is a bit different once you get out of the conservative southern bible belt. Although it has taken me 5 years to find this one and I still am not exactly sure of their stance. But I am hopeful. Like you, I dont want to give up. I will crtisize the Church but I am also part of Her and need to do my part.
I think there are others like us. I think we all screw up the Gospel because living it out is not easy. Its not cut and dry and so we bring other things and add onto it when we dont even realize it. Have you ever talked to a liberal church or a legalistic church that realized the error of their ways? Of course not!
I think I need to come visit you and my other friend from your University.
Grace brother!
Bryan,
You mentioned reading my blog. Actually, it is mostly written by my friend Randall, but when I do contribute something I sign it with my initials.
pomoprophet said:
“I think it is a bit different once you get out of the conservative southern bible belt.”
Thank you pomo. David, I rest my case…
MR: I didn’t realize that. Thanks for clarifying.
Peace,
Bryan
David!
I’m going to bust in here like a bull in a china shop when I should be working. I blame you.
I’ve got to make this quick, so if I’m too abrupt, unclear, in need of editing, please forgive.
Our experiences do not seem to be that different except that you are figuring these things out sooner than the 40 years I spent closeted in an evangelical church. When God’s Spirit called me to be fully authentic, it was time to exit that place and begin an adventure that I had never anticipated, including the gift of a life partner. However, before I started on that journey, resistance against which was quite futile, I vowed that if it distanced me from my Creator, I was heading “home”. I consider myself a “post-evangelical (I mourn the loss of the original meaning of the word “Evangel”), creedal fundamentalist who takes great delight in the privilege of observing the faith journeys of others, as the sincere heart will be led to God.
That’s where I’m coming from.
First — Yea! Being in a church is dead to you. Being “gay” is dead to you. The David that you wish you were, is not, and time for the resurrection of the New David is near. That is a very good, and God thing.
Of course we all have hopes of what we know the Church can be, but the church consists of people, and will never measure up. After 2000 years, you’d think we’d get it right. But even so, God is able to use it with all its faults, even when it places burdens of religiosity upon its own members to the point of excluding them.
But even that is not all bad, because without out that, many of us would have been frozen in places where our gifts, including sexuality, would not be of best heavenly value. “New Dave” will get to see the Church without walls — without denominations — without the need to know who’s “out” and who’s “in”. You will discover fellow travelers of The Way where you least expect them. Watch out for our inherited tendency to measure others by how well they measure up to our expectation of what the “perfect” faith in terms of belief system looks like. If we fall into that trap, we will not see Christ in the person right in front of us.
IMHO what is more healthy in our spiritual quest is to examine ourselves. Where is our treasure? Is it Christ? If so, and I can tell that is the case with you as you long for it to be true, does our life reflect that? If so, doesn’t the Gospel of incarnation require no less of us than it did of Christ, letting go of what we had to press on to what God has in store for us, which is far greater than what we wanted for ourselves?
You already know that what is commonly called the GLBT “community” is not one. GLBT individuals are as diverse as heterosexual ones and, in terms of the Gospel, as “lost” and “found” as any others. This cannot be a surprise. But, do we get to choose to whom God calls us to incarnational ministry? I guess we can choose what we will do with that call, but to not follow God’s lead does not lead to joy (Been there; done that.).
What I’m trying to say, not very briefly or clearly, is that I think rather than finding the many obvious faults of our brothers and sisters on this journey, our “letting go” of what we wish were true about us and others leads us to seeing it an honor to be the face of Christ to those whom we would have never met if we’d held on to the “rudder” of life that is truly God’s alone.
There, my faith screed is done. Back to work!
Peace of Christ
Kevin
David, I’ve enjoyed your blog entries and I hope to read many more. You expressed so many of my own feelings in this blog entry. Thanks for sharing.
~Bill