All I Need Friday, April 4, 2008 at 11:25 pm
I am particularly lonely, and somewhat heart-broken too, tonight. So I sit here on the couch, hugging a pillow (sad, but true), my finger hovering on the DVD remote ready to play one of my favorite Planet Earth episodes, thinking about what it is that I am looking for in life.
At one point the honest answer to that would’ve been acclaim as an excellent Christian. Not that I’d've given that answer, mind you – not even to myself. Arrogance in the guise of piety. And then I came to gradually think I wanted to serve people, something which I thought for a long time stemmed from my Christianity and meant that I was to be a missionary. I still desire to serve, but I no longer think the reasons for it are so obvious as I once did, having now known too many Christians who don’t have this as a goal, and too many non-Christians who do. But motivations, mine and others, are another matter and perhaps deeper than I can handle.
But what is it that I would find to be satisfying in life? Truth be told, there are a few things on that list. I should of course love to settle down with someone. It would bring me great joy to have someone with whom I could simply be, and all the other indescribable emotions of intimacy and security. I would love to have a family. I would love to tell and invent stories for no greater reason than having a shared mythology with husband and kids. And then beside that, I simply want to serve people. I don’t want to live in the nicest neighborhood of whatever city I find myself in, removed from even the reminder of economic discomfort. I want to open my life to those who are poor and overlooked. I want to take care of, as much as I can, the real needs of those who have them, and do not have them met. And I want a partner in that crime.
Looking at that, a lot of it is to pour myself out for others to a degree to which I am not now.
God knows I’m a long way from this. Particularly service – and I need to be more careful of what groups I’m investing my time in to help me realize that. But if this is my hope, what should I do in the meantime? These are some of my thoughts this evening.
With regards to service, motivations aside, there is something wonderful in making the connection between our ability and desire to serve, and Christ’s passion and call for us to serve. There can always be deeper meaning in many of the things that we do. But with service, I find that what compels me to serve is far less important than the things I learn through service. There is something humbling about pouring myself out for another, something that reminds me of the greatness of God, and of his unconditional love for me. It centers me. It reminds me that I wasn’t created to be a corporate workhorse, or rich, or fashionable, or well liked, or even some uber Christian, all of these being things that I can easily focus on as though I was put on earth to attain them. Service reminds me that there’s more joy in seeing a little boy smile from ear to ear because your time together helps him realize that he can be more than his neighborhood tells him he can be, than there is joy through attaining any of the fancy things I mentioned earlier. All of this just has a way of bringing me before God in awe and praise. But, then again so does Radiohead, so maybe I’m just easily awed.
Patience grasshopper. I know, easier said than done. But, you’ll get to where you can devote time to those things you so desire, David, and if you don’t I’ll keep bugging you (as long as you promise to do the same to me). I know you, and I have faith in you and what God can/will do through you.
As for the settling down piece, I hope it happens for you. I think you would be a magnificent family man. And when it does happen i’d like for you to move your family to New York City so that our kids can do playgroup.
- Bryan
David,
I will be praying for you that you will find genuine fulfillment in life. Like you say, I have found great joy in serving others. This can happen in very simple ways that don’t involve going to the other side of the world, like listening to a friend in need, reaching out to the friendless, giving up your own meal to share it with someone who is homeless. You don’t have to wait. You can start doing these things now.
Also, don’t forget that God is behind everything good you have ever known. Worship Him, love Him. There is great joy in that!
I know how you feel. Some of my recent questioning about how I feel about homosexuality I think honestly stems from the fact that I wish I could be with someone. I wish I could share my life with someone and be romantic and in love and all of that. And since I don’t feel like I could ever be with a woman, and I feel as though God’s telling me I can’t be with a man either, I feel lonely and stuck. But at least I do have God and that does provide some comfort. Don’t ever lose hope, David.
Oh, and, to attempt humor, try not to scare away the pillows.
God bless.
Brandon